Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

bobbymcgee @ 2005-03-09T20:42:00

2005-03-10T09:43:57Z

I know I haven't been on here in a while. I'm still not feeling totally well, and I'd rather save my strength for tiem with Danny and Mark.

But once in a while, something comes up and you just have to say something.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/carmen/554908.html?style=mine

The link is to a post that really, really made me think.

Mark, Danny and I don't exactly have the most...traditional of relationships. And that's fine, honestly, it's what works for us.

But I'm so very lucky with my parents. I know it, every time I get a call from them, or Katie. Or when I get a letter or an email or anything that just says they love me.

Mark and Danny aren't so lucky and that breaks my heart for them.

We're going to make sure they have as much love as they can from my family. Our family.

But this still made me think so much of them.

So very much.

Hey....

2005-01-21T14:04:59Z

Danny has me on strict orders to keep this short, and as I don't want to do anything to scare him again, I will.

I know most of you guys are on Danny's and Mark's flists, but if you aren't, before Christmas, I got really sick. I had a flu shot, and I always get sick when I have one, but when I thought I was a little better, I got hit with pneumonia.

It wasn't good. I was very sick, and I am still not well. I'm getting better every day, though, and I will be okay, the doc says, as long as I do what he says.

The one good thing about this is that Luke's come back into my life. I really missed my friend. I'm glad to have him back. Considering some of the things I thought about where he might be...

I'm getting that look from Danny, so I'm going to sign off. He just offered to hold me if I lie down. And I am not going to pass that up.

Bye until Danny lets me near a keybord again.

Still around

2004-11-13T07:10:48Z

Been busy lately, classes and husbands will do that to you. And we've been going out sometimes to this great new place, the Daily Grind. So original, it's a coffee house.

And they have an open mic night. I knew when I found that out that I had to get up there. It just felt...meant to be.

And Mark told me....he heard people were *looking for when I was playing*. That is so cool. It's an amazing feeling.

I know I'm good. I'm not being arrogant when I say that, you have to know you're good if you want to do something. And people like me! That is so great.

I did a new song - it's Mark and Danny's song, The Reason by Hoobastank. Of course I did Mark's and mine as well - it felt right. Now...Danny and I just have to find one, but I know we will. And maybe one for all of us, but I don't know.... every song seems like ours in some way.

I thought for a second that I saw Luke, going out when Logan, the waiter we've talked with a little, was going out. I'm sure it wasn't him....there have been so many times over the years I've thought I saw him. I used to go up to people, calling his name.

It was never him. It got to be that it hurt so much, I didn't want to keep calling because it wouldn't ever be him.

I wonder sometimes if I could have missed him, but....I can't let it happen again, not now.

Oh, and on another note, my doctor's office called. They know me so well, they know I've been putting off my flu shot. I hate them, I always get sick. But I have to have it. I said I'd go in on Tuesday, so I'll be okay for Mark's birthday.

Mark's birthday is coming up

2004-11-13T06:59:22Z

This is a protected post. Only onethird_oflove can read and comment here. Please address any other comments to la_journals

Hey, baby,

I keep trying to talk to you about this at home, but it's kind of hard to find a moment alone when Mark's not there. Not that I have a problem with that, but planning surprises is hard when the surprise-ee is right there beside you, you know?

So I thought this way might work.

What do you want to do for Mark's birthday, baby? I mean, last year, we flew out to meet him for the first time, but we're together now, and we need to find a way to celebrate. I was thinking, we might be able to go up to Alan's cabin in Big Bear?

I've been trying to think of a gift, too, and that's not easy. Do you have any ideas?

Your rather inept, but loving, husband.

bobbymcgee @ 2004-10-31T18:46:00

2004-11-01T07:55:09Z

(this is a private post. please comment at la_journals)

Maybe I shouldn't make this private. Danny posted about it publicly. But...I don't think I can.

I'm not sure when it was exactly, but the last couple of days...it was a year since my first time with Danny. Which would be a totally happy anniversary - if it hadn't been a betrayal of Mark. Of things Mark and Danny had promised each other, and of things I'd promised Mark. I didn't really ever make any promises to Danny - not that that is any excuse at all. And yes, we'd had a little to drink, but not enough to really justify what we did.

I still feel guilty about it, and so glad that we didn't push Mark away completely. That we were able to work through this and all come together.

You know, I may seem like I accepted the three of us easily, but it wasn't. I had to allow myself to love Mark, then Danny, then realise I wasn't betraying Luke...and then I had to realise that it was okay to love them together.

I'm really glad we did.

This is something I really love...

2004-10-15T13:27:59Z

It's the middle of the week, not a special night - though every night with Mark and Danny is special.

Right now, I'm online to check my email for a note about a class or I'd be on the couch snuggling with them.

I love my husbands. That seems like the most simple statement in the world, doesn't it? Loving the two men - which, yes, is a little unusual - I want to spend the rest of my life with.

But I never thought I'd have this. Simple, little things. Watching Mark pose for Danny. Doing dishes with one of them - well, putting the dishes in the dishwasher. Watching a movie, or a TV show. Having someone to talk to about classes.

There are some awful things in my past. Loneliness, pain, and a very small sliver of hope and protectiveness that could often - if not always - make the pain and loneliness go away for a while.

I count my blessings every day.

I just decided to write some of it here today.

Mark and Danny - I love you.

A little accident

2004-09-26T17:13:06Z

Hey, guys.

Danny's been hurt, a little. Nothing to worry about, he's mostly a little bruised and banged up, some jerk took his space, he was hurrying to class and fell.

I've been taking care of him - with Mark's help - the last couple of days, and he's sitting out in the garden now. He looks really relaxed - I can see him from the window.

But I don't know why I'm watching from the window when I can join him...

I'm signing off now. See you online guys later.

Damn...

2004-09-26T17:08:23Z

(this is a private post. please comment at la_journals)

Danny...god. He's hurt.

Some jerk took the handicapped space. I know he hates having to park there, but fuck, there's a reason for it. I hate people like that.

Then Danny tried to hurry to class. And he fell, his leg gave out on him. Because he fell, he twisted his body, and landed hard.

His back is like one huge bruise, it's all down his hip. He looked so bad, when I was helping him get into some sweats which were more comfortable...

And...I realised something. I mean, I knew it. I did. But...

Danny's never going to totally recover from the accident. And I feel so damned bad about that. Not guilty, not any more. Mark and Danny have managed to drive it into my thick skull that it wasn't my fault, but dammit. No matter what, I was driving, and that does make me feel bad. No matter how much it wasn't my fault, I was still driving when one of the men I love was hurt.

That's something I'll never be able to forget.

And it hurts me, whenever he's hurt, or sick, and it stems from that. I'm not blaming myself, it just...reminds me.

But I love him. I hold onto that every day. Both of them.

God I've been busy lately...

2004-09-20T07:39:26Z

School starting again has just kicked my butt with time online. I mean, given the choice between spending my spare time with my husbands, or on the computer, well...there is no choice.

So, school, is school. It doesn't change much.

On Friday night, we went to a coffee house near campus. It was nice, the waiter seemed a really nice guy, not like some of the ones we've asked for help with Danny's leg, getting him something to rest it on, he was great, asked if there was anything else he could do, even.

The food was good, we'll be going back for that if nothing else.

And it was open mic night. I wished I'd known, I'd've brought my guitar, but I want to do it one day. THe more practice the better, and the more experience with audiences, too. I mean, I still want to make music my career, and everything helps.

Now, I have two husbands cuddling in our bed and waiting for me. I'm going to join them.

Great way to finish the week...

2004-09-04T03:07:24Z

School started this week, and is school. Luckily my schedule's not as bad as last semester - no 8am classes. Still don't know how I managed to do that even part of the time...it was so the wrong time in my life.

Anyway, had a good day, and got home a little early. Danny felt the urge to sketch me. I don't know why, Mark's our model, I always feel a little weird posing for him. But he likes it, and I love him, so I was there.

Mark came in a little while after, and he was early too, which is never a bad thing. He'd just come in from volleyball, and I would have probably taken him right there, but he wanted to have a shower, and he's kind of...stubborn sometimes. Or we didn't feel like arguing about it. THat's probably it. He's good at taking fast showers too.

And I had company while Mark was in the shower. God, both of them are so amazing. I could get lost in their kisses. I did a little, with Danny's, so much so I almost didn't notice Mark when he finished until he dripped water on me. Water feels really good on sensitised skin. So do Mark's lips.

I ended up in the middle, which was a *really* good place to be. Mark inside me and Danny sucking me...it was perfect. I just wish I could have seen Mark a little more, but it was still wonderful.

I love them both, so very much.

I also got Mark and Danny to agree to stay in tonight. I feel like being lazy after that. Now...I wonder where they are.

I just realised

2004-08-27T17:16:20Z

It's been eleven months - today - that I've known Mark. Well, since I met him online. I didn't know him right away.

God, a lot's happened in the last months.

All the cybering and talking with Mark. It started off as just sex and turned into...what we have now. It's amazing.

Meeting Danny. Becoming three instead of two of us in love with Mark. Being with Danny first. It's not something I'm proud of, but we are only human. Danny getting sick. Meeting Mark. The accident. Danny's recovery. Our vows. Our marriage, even though it's not legal.

I've even been thinking of Luke a little lately. I still wonder if he's alive or not. I hope he is.

It's strange to realise that this time a year ago I was still wondering...and I guess in a lot of ways I still am.

I've been thinking a little about some of the things Mark and I talked about in our cybers. Wondering if maybe now Danny's process of recover is going so well if we might...experiment a little. I really must bring that up with my husbands. Not that our sex life isn't absolutely wonderful, but...hmmm. Spice is never a bad thing. And that's all I think I'm prepared to say in public.

In non-us news, Dave went back to Kansas. I really liked having him here for the summer. I hope he comes back, he seemed to really fall in love with LA. He knows he has an open invitation to stay with us.

I have the most wonderful husbands in the world

2004-07-20T06:10:25Z

Who else would arrange a surprise weekend away for my birthday?

Mark and Danny are evil consipirators. But I forgive them :)

On Friday, they said they were taking me out to a restaurant in Malibu. So there I was, expecting to be treated to a nice dinner, rather, erm, distracted by Mark's kisses on the way to the restaurant and he distracted me so well, I didn't realise we hadn't stopped until we were driving along the coast road, and I was still kissing Mark, so it took a little longer for me to even ask what was going on - Mark's kisses kind of have that effect on me.

That was when they told me they were taking me away for the weekend, as my birthday gift. I wasn't about to argue with that.

It was a wonderful, amazing weekend. We did some great, touristy stuff, but I think I liked when we were in the room, in front of the fireplace, late at night the best. Just the three of us together.

Danny gave me a wonderful sketch. I love how he makes me look in his art, which might sound a little egotistical, but he's said that it's how he sees me, so I think it's more about him.

I am so blessed to have these two men. I don't have the words to tell them, so I'll use these.

Danny and Mark, I love you.

A picture of me and my husbands

2004-07-11T08:31:48Z

We've been so busy the last few days, I've barely had time to write in LJ. We went out to Leo Carillo Beach again, taking Dave, who really liked it, and he took a great picture of us. Well, of Danny and Mark, I'm okay...

Chaotic couple of days!

2004-07-08T08:28:27Z

Mark's friend arrived, he's really a great guy. We' ve talked a lot, just getting to know each other.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about, though it's great that he's here.

We've been looking for a house, and we found one we liked, and we got it! I'm so excited!

It...it's real. I know we have been for a long time, but it's...permanent. And amazing. And wonderful....

God, to think after all this time...I've found what I didn't know I was looking for.

Two wonderful husbands, good friends, my family. I'm lucky beyond words.

So far from my past...

No sadness, this is a good day. I love and am loved.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Yes, I am still around

2004-07-05T20:54:05Z

It's just been so hectic this summer, taking care of Danny, having some time with Mark, I just haven't got online a lot. But I'm hoping to change that.

We've decided to move into a house. We've been living in my apartment since Mark got here just before Christmas - wow...it doesn't seem that long ago...and even though we have one bedroom, it gets a little cramped sometimes. And Danny's going to have room for a studio, somewhere he can really get into his art, which is such a great idea.

We had a great time on the Fourth. Holidays are so much...more now I have people to share them with. I had my family, but it's different, and wonderful, with my husbands. Watching the fireworks, seeing Danny and Mark as they went off. It was a wonderful time for us.

Every time I think of my husbands, I remember just how lucky I was to find them.

sneaks onto computer

2004-06-18T08:58:01Z

Just want to let you guys know, we'll probably be around on LJ a little less than usual this weekend. My mom is visiting and she wants us all to rest and be pampered.

It's really great to have her here. She's taking great care of us all. I love having her in my life so much.

Wonderful day

2004-06-13T19:20:28Z

Simple things seem to be amazing when you haven't been doing them for a while. Yesterday, Mark and Danny and I went to the park and I played for them, while Mark brought the puppies. God, they're so adorable. If I didn't know that most of them get adopted...well, I'd be looking into ways to take care of them.

The other adorable thing of the day was Mark's haircut. I really liked the longer hair, but as long as there's enough to run my fingers through, well... :) Though of course Mark would look good bald. No, Mark, that's not a hint.

The good news of the day is that Danny is better. Not fully recovered yet, but close. At least almost back to how he was before the flu. Improving every day. It's just a matter of time, though sometimes it feels like that's all we say. Still. Danny is a little better. That's all that matters.

God, he's so talented. At drawing too ;)

Heh

2004-06-09T13:15:55Z

Bobby McGee's bits are best described as his "weighty parcel".

On a more serious note, Danny's sleeping, and doing a little better, though he's still feeling like shit, poor guy.

I'm nearly as tired as he is, but I got checked out in case. It's not the flu. I'm fine, at least right now, just tired. So I'm holding him and sleeping a lot with him. It's good.

Mark's been great too. He always is. I love my husbands very much.

I love summer vacation

2004-06-02T14:48:32Z

Even if I never get around to updating here.

But I have two wonderful husbands, plus some other pretty cool family members and friends, who I spend time with, you know?

I am so in love with Danny's work, even if I can barely believe the pictures are of me. His love makes me...different. In the best way. The ones of Mark, of course, only make him look more like himself. I love how Danny can capture his soul in the pictures.

It's easy enough to capture Mark's outer beauty, but his inner beauty is where Danny's talent really shows.

I'm trying to talk Danny into making some more portraits of himself, even took some pictures last weekend that he says he might be able to use.

Other than that, Mark's job is going great, I'm relaxing and helping Danny with his PT, still playing and I think that's about it for life here.

Until later...

All the poets they studied rules of verse

2004-05-15T02:01:15Z

(this is a private post. Please comment at la_journals

I'm still so damn *scared*

No matter how much I tell myself that Danny is going to be okay, I'm scared that he's not. That something *else* will rise up and go wrong and Mark and I will lose him.

I can't let him know this, he doesn't need me bringing him down when he needs to focus on getting better. I can't really tell Mark, either, because he's dealing with this too. I'll just have to get through this. Somehow.

I'm aware - thanks to Doc S *wry grin* - that a big part of this is my own issues. I *expect* people to leave. My dad left. Yes, he died, but the *feeling* is still there. Luke left. I still don't *know* why. It might have been voluntary...and it might not. I don't *know*. I fully expected Mark or Danny - or both - to end up leaving me at different times. Yeah, Doc S tells me I have to face this before I can get past it.

It's weird, because most people would think that it would start with mom and dad's divorce, but they were so...well...civilised. Most divorces you hear about are bitter slanging matches, using the kid(s) against each other. My mom and dad? Simply fell out of love with each other, but they both loved *me*. They made certain I knew that. Hell, I was even able to live with my dad becaues mom was working so many hours trying to get her business off the ground. But I never doubted her love for me. Not many people can say that. Mark and Danny to begin with. God...how could their parents not see what they had? Mark and Danny are such wonderful, amazing people. And sure, I'm biased because I'm head over heels in love with them both, but even before we were in love, I saw them both as amazing people, because they are.

I just get so *scared* it's all going to disappear, somehow. Originally it was Mark and Danny being committed to each other, and I thought it was safe, I could talk and cyber with Mark and help him and that would be it. I was still committed to Luke in my heart. Then things changed. I still don't know how or why, but they did. And it was good. But I never expected it to last. I thought we might lose Danny in the car wreck...which would have been my fault no matter what anyone says.

God, can't we just have some peace for a while? Please?

I hope it will happen now, but I'm even scared to do more than hope.

So damn scared...

2004-04-27T22:51:20Z

Sunday was not a good day. I knew Danny was feeling tired. I didn't realise he hadn't been going to his doctor's appointments, though. He wasn't feeling well, so I went home early - thank god he wrote it on his LJ.

When I got home, he was dizzy, not feeling good. I got him some Tylenol and that didn't help much, he was dizzy and threw up. I wanted to take him to the doc, but he wouldn't go. I don't know why...he just...wouldn't go. Then he collapsed and even though he woke up, that was it. I couldn't even wait for Mark to come home, I called an ambulance, left Mark a scribbled note, grabbed one of my books - even then I remembered that I'd promised him I'd take one with me when we went, and we went to the doctor's office.. I'd already called. He collapsed again a couple of times, but I just held his hand and prayed hard.

I was very scared, and I didn't know if he was okay. I mean, god...and to find out someone had *let* him cancel his appointments! I was furious and I don't think that person will have a job, or at least will be under much closer supervision.

When we got home, Mark was there, also panicked. We got Danny to bed and I collapsed into Mark's arms. He held me up, somehow, through his own pain. Thank you, baby.

We'll get past this. But I hope we don't have another scare like this for a while.

Please....

Wanring: High Sap Content

2004-04-24T06:34:32Z

God.

I have the two most wonderful men in the world in my life and we made a binding commitment to each other last night.

I don't care that there's no piece of paper, I am a married man. Mark, Danny and I exchanged rings and made promises to each other.

Danny had the rings made...god, he's so wonderful and I love the design - I'm looking down at my hands now, just to see it there.

I said I was sappy :)

I really cannot put into words how much Mark and Danny mean to me. It's more than that I love them - though I do. More than that I'm committed to them completely - though I am.

There's a sense of utter peace and rightness whenever I think of them, beyond love...beyond anything I've ever known.

I love you, Mark and Danny. Forever.

Danny...

2004-04-22T18:45:16Z

(this is a protected post. Only onethird_oflove can read and comment here. Other users, please comment at la_journals)

Babe, something's going on with Mark.

I commented to this post: http://www.livejournal.com/users/college_model/56085.html and he hasn't said anything, on or off line. It's been nearly a week. If it was something he fellt he could talk about, he would have by now, and surely he'd have acknowledged it if it was nothing...

I think maybe we need to talk to him....but I thought I should check with you first, and I'm too impatient to wait until I get home.

Love you, baby *kisses you*

I wasn't expecting to be nervous...

2004-04-18T00:20:20Z

(this is a private post. please comment at la_journals)

I knew this would happen for me and Mark, soon. I was almost expecting it, every time we started to talk.

And yet, he surprised me. Just sitting together, kissing, Danny teasing us about inspiring him for another picture, smiling, happy, and then he asked me.

His eyes were a soft hazel, so beautiful, of course there's no colour Mark's eyes can go that isn't, and his smile, god, I could come just from that, if he looked at me like that. And then his words, soft, asking me to fuck him tonight. Well, tomorrow, but it's tonight now.

I'm so nervous. I know things went well with Danny, to understate it, I'm so glad they did, that...that Mark's memories of his first time are good. He deserves that, so much.

But I'm nervous about making it as good for our first time. I mean, it's not the first time I've been with someone for a first time - and it is, even if it's Mark's second time technically, it will still be our first.

I know I can make it good. I just hope I can make it as good as I want it to be for Mark.

Miracles

2004-04-07T13:48:09Z

Miracles happen every day. Seeing a child smile up at you can be a miracle in itself. Having someone love you is one of the most miraculous things in the world.

I love Mark and Danny with everything that's in me, I can't put it into words, not even the most beautiful song can help me do it exactly as I want to

We had a wonderful weekend last weekend at my stepfather's cabin, and some things came out, good things, well mostly.

Honesty is a good thing and I'm glad Mark was able to be honest with something he'd kept from Danny. I won't say any more here, just that I'm really happy about it.

A big event is going to happen for the three of us next weekend.

And the most important thing, the biggest one - Mark used the word family to describe us. I know when I first used the word, it hurt him. It wasn't intentional, but he's had so much shit in his life - so has Danny - that family wasn't a good word for them.

I've been incredibly, incredibly lucky with my mom, Alan, and my dad too. I don't talk much about my dad because it hurts, even now, and it's also wrapped up a lot with old pain that isn't to do with him, but he was a wonderful person. He was the one who shaped my musical tastes and influences, as well. But for me, family has always been a good thing. I was looking for my family even while I was separated from them. I found someone else I would think of as family if he were still in my life then, too. I wonder if the detectives will ever find him...

But yes. Mark, Danny and I are a family. God, that feels so amazing to type out. Just amazing.

I think I'll leave it at that. Except to say: Mark and Danny, I love you both so very, very much. *kisses you both*